Restrained Emotions
by Sussie
Summary: After their names have been cleared and another hard case has been put to rest, Elliot wants to talk with his partner. Post ep for Season 4 5th episode, Disappearing Acts.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Restrained Emotions

**Author: **Sussie

**Summary: **After their names have been cleared and another hard case put to rest; Elliot wants to talk with his partner.

Post ep for Season 4:s 5th episode, Disappearing Acts.

**Story Notes: **This story will consist of 3 chapters. All of Chapter 2 is already written with only minor polishing needed. Half of Chapter 3 is done and I expected to have the rest written within two weeks. Chapter 2 will go up later this week most likely. Reason for posting is a feeling that I need some encouragement so as not to drag it all out too much.

It will be written to its entirety with or without reviews. (I hate hearing authors say they won't finish if they don't get so or so many reviews etc. so that's why I'm making this clear. I don't want reviews because I bullied people into writing them...)

**Author's Note:** This is for me an exercise in writing dialogue. Something I view myself in need of training in. Please let me know my grade, an F with an explanation is preferable to nothing.

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**Chapter 1**

Elliot looked around the deserted squad room noting only a few loyal St. Bernards left in the vicinity, including him, his partner and their Captain.

He returned focus to what was in front of him and naturally rested his eyes on Olivia. She was absentmindedly chewing on a pen (or something, he never could figure out what exactly she did or why for that matter). She was, despite this troubling habit deep into her work; alternating between looking at the papers on her desk and the computer monitor.

"So…I'm done, you wanna head out together?" he spoke up in a relaxed manner, trying to softly draw out his partner from her sphere of concentration.

"Yeah, okay. I'll see you tomorrow,"Olivia replied without looking up, obviously not having heard all of his words or more likely none and instead heard something made up in her own mind.

He sighed silently and proceeded to count down a whole minute before talking again.

"You almost done?" he tried again, varying his vocabulary.

"I'm gonna stay for awhile, get this done,"Olivia answered, this time looking up briefly and flashing him a smile, probably with the intent of it being reassuring. To say how "fine" she was.

Elliot couldn't be fooled though as she still wasn't following him and he was starting to suspect she was doing it on purpose or she would have noticed they were "off" when glancing at him.

She was clearly brushing him off.

"You're not listening, Olivia,"Elliot stated changing the tone of his voice to something more forceful. He knew she would respond to that and if not that her full name would certainly catch her attention in the way he wanted.

"What?"Olivia said with an exasperated sigh.

She dropped her pen and looked at her partner with an expression clearly meant to be off-putting but mostly it only served to signal her exhaustion.

"We should talk, Liv,"Elliot said, completely disregarding her rather hostile response.

"I really should finish this paperwork, El,"Olivia answered, returning her eyes to said work as if to prove her point.

"Coulda, woulda, shoulda…since when did we follow paperwork deadlines? Or any other orders for that matter…"Elliot said with a teasing smile, immediately earning him a glare from his partner.

"And you seem to have forgotten; that that is exactly the reason for why I'm doing this particular paperwork," Olivia informed him, annoyance clear in her voice.

"Liv…come on. That can wait. We can't." Stabler said, refusing to give up. "We need to talk." he continued, his voice softening to an uncertain quality.

He wasn't used at having to beg his partner for a talk as it was usually the other way around. It made him all the more sure though that this was what was needed and even if it made him uncomfortable he would be damned if he couldn't make sure that they got it.

"El…"Olivia's voice had lowered significantly as well and she was only looking at him from under her eyelashes, silently begging him to let her be.

An invitation to talk coming from Elliot, would normally have her jumping up and down in excitement (or perhaps standing still frozen by shock) but today she wasn't sure where she even had her own thoughts and emotions so how could she possibly take care of her partner's then?

She just couldn't deal with it right now.

Her single syllable utterance and accompanying look seemed to work though as Elliot still hadn't said a word in continuing protest. He seemed to have given up when watching the distant look forming on her face.

Elliot calmly returned to his own work, figuring the least he could do now was at least to make her company as she insisted on being the last person to leave the squad room.

Meanwhile Olivia tightened her lips in thought. She had just watched her partner's surrender, a highly unusual occurrence and an eerie feeling emerged from it. She made a decision.

Before her partner could even register something moving around him she had pushed her papers into her drawer, fished out her keys and stood up. She was halfway through putting on her long black leather coat when she spoke as innocently as she could muster, "You coming?" the question was posed to the still oblivious man sitting in front of her.

Elliot blinked once, confusion over the sudden turn of events evident on his face. Once he realized what was happening though, he was quick to follow his partner's lead and rushed to finish as well. "Uh yeah," he mumbled as he bent to pick up the pen he had dropped to the floor, struggling to catch up.

"Yeah, I'm coming,"he repeated and then much like she, he was ready in a few seconds as well.

They had lots of practice in this of course, urgent calls weren't unheard of in their profession.

Unfortunately they hadn't even reached halfway through the hallway outside the squad room when their next problem arose.

"El, I really don't feel like…"Olivia abruptly interrupted their easy silence when she noticed Elliot was heading to stairs and not the elevators, which indicated they were walking to the the parking garage. She stopped walking as she trailed off.

"What?" Elliot said, his contentment over getting his way just seconds before quickly dissipating. Why was it that whenever she said they had to talk, he was expected to follow like Lassie the dog but when the opposite was true, she insisted on fighting him every step of the way?

Olivia sensed his rapidly failing mood and explained herself before she ruined something that hadn't even begun. "I just meant, can't we go somewhere closer. I won't make it if I have to walk 10 blocks back to my apartment."

"I'll drive you."El answered, looking at her like she had possibly lost her head in the last second or two.

He started walking again only to immediately realize that his partner still wasn't with him. His patience waning off at a dangerous speed (as always except perhaps when dealing with kids) he turned around with a glare to match it.

It was his turn for a one syllable outburst. "What?" he asked, unintentionally repeating Oliva's previous words just a few minutes ago.

"El…"Olivia disregarded it just as he had and only asked a question with her eyes.

Her voice was soft, tired and uncertain, of him and of the situation and not knowing where it was all coming from it only made her more unsure.

Elliot both heard and saw the emotional display on his partner's face. He forced himself to take a breath and used that precious oxygen to fill his failing reserve of patience. "I'll drive you home, later tonight, of course." he answered, shaking his head, wondering.

He couldn't fathom why all of a sudden she wouldn't get that, wasn't that much obvious after what, 5 and a half years together? She should know him better than that by now.

Olivia was thinking much the same thing as she followed in Elliot's footsteps. He had driven her home lots of times, why would she doubt he would today? She shook her head as well to try and forget how her Elliot "radar" was failing all of a sudden and tried prepare herself for a nice and relaxed evening with her best friend instead.

Elliot sensed her presence behind him and finally relaxed with a satisfied smile as they continued walking to his car.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Many apologies for keeping your waiting for this. It seems it's a writer's curse than when she say she's gonna post a new chapter at a specific time, she gets ill and can't do much of anything. Which is what happened. Here it is however! Thank you to all who added the story to their alerts, at least I know I have some readers even if you're shy.

I sincerely hope I can have Chapter 3 completely written by the end of this week and thus polished and ready for publishing sometime around the end of next week.

Chapter 2

With ease Elliot guided Olivia through the door to the restaurant and as soon as they entered Olivia caught herself feeling unusually self conscious. In a dress without a weapon on her hip she would have been right at home; she had after all once been a frequent dater and liked to treat herself to nice dinners once in awhile.

Now however she was in her work outfit; clothes she had been in for at least 24 hours with only perfume covering up the sweat odour, or so she at least fervently hoped.

They didn't draw any attention though so she decided to trust Elliot in that he wouldn't take her to a place where they'd be kicked out for not matching up with the dress code. Her trust was well placed this time as it turned out Elliot was well acquainted with this particular establishment.

"Mia! Hi!" Elliot greeted the hostess with a warm smile.

"Detective! It's been awhile!"the woman named Mia greeted in return.

"Been busy," Elliot said, shrugging like only he could. "I have a table for two booked," he continued.

Mia looked down at her computer, mumbling to herself. "Stabler...Stabler..."

"Yeah, here it is," she said and then walked out from behind her computer, "Follow me, please."

Olivia walked behind Elliot as they followed Mia, glaring at his back. He had booked them a table before he'd even asked her "out". Self confident ass, she thought, shaking her head in disbelief over her partner's presumptions.

As they sat down at their table, Elliot shot her a strange look, pretending innocence or actually not knowing. Generally with men you couldn't be too sure but this was Elliot so Olivia knew the latter wasn't really possible.

"Oh you know," Olivia told him with a stern look. "When?" she then simply asked.

Elliot only smiled sweetly at first without replying, obviously enjoying his "victory".

"After lunch, when it got cancelled,"he finally answered, nonchalantly and liking his success a little too much.

Olivia kept shaking her head. He was just unbelievable sometimes in his smugness.

"How come you're so familiar with the staff here then, El? Old girlfriend?" Olivia teased.

"I've had one girlfriend in my life and you know it."Elliot answered, referring to his wife of some 20 odd years. "Anyway, this place wasn't always this fancy, I used to come here with some old colleagues over at Homicide." he then explained.

Olivia nodded but then fell silent. Unintentionally giving way for a greater and much more uncomfortable quietness. Neither of them knowing what to say. Chit-chatting had never been either of their strong suites and today was no exception.

To both of their surprise, it was Olivia that finally dared the oppressive silence. Finding herself in a strange need to keep talking about something, anything or she'd blurt out what was really on her mind.

"So uhm...does Kathy know you're here?"she asked, reverting back to something familiar. A topic that they could do in their sleep because they had done it so many times. She knew he wouldn't like the question which was precisely the point.

Hopefully he'd forget all about making her talk and besides keeping Elliot's family and marriage together had proven to be a sometimes welcomed distraction to her own disarrayed life. A noble goal and something to strive for when she felt she had nothing else to fight for except justice that would never come for countless victims.

She was right. For awhile her only answer from her partner was an audible sigh and a very frustrated look.

"I called and said I had to work late 'cause of the investigation," Elliot answered finally.

"Elliot.."Olivia started in complaint.

"Don't!" Elliot cut off before she could say anything else. "I didn't lie because this is work,"Elliot explained quickly but saw Olivia regarding him sceptically still.

"This is for work, because we need to talk," he paused momentarily, "You do," he emphasized. He wasn't sure if it would provoke the desired response from her or only serve to make her shut down but he figured he needed to make his intentions perfectly clear to her.

Olivia's eyes shot up to him and he saw the split second battle taking place in her eyes, a battle of two very strong wills. What would she do...fight or flee?

Finally Olivia sighed and looked back down at the menu. "Think I can order from the kids' menu?"she asked playfully, changing the subject instead of giving him an answer and for a moment he thought he'd lost her. "I'm really not that hungry,"she continued, lifting her eyes to meet her partner's gaze again.

He didn't answer immediately, not until she silently told him with an almost imperceivable nod that she had heard him before, she just didn't want to talk right now this second. She still needed time to gather her thoughts.

"I think you might regret it, when you see and smell my food,"Elliot replied, "And I'm warning you, I ain't sharing,"

"Yeah, like I'll give you a choice, "Olivia replied with a smug grin.

"You should eat,"Elliot stated, slightly interrupting the light banter they had going with a tone that implied seriousness again. "The stuff they served us with in federal lock up was crap,"he added with a small grin.

His smile disappeared even faster than their suspects had done in their recent case when he saw Olivia's face fall flat at his comment. It had to have been his words but what in them he didn't know.

Elliot wasn't sure why he never thought before speaking but it seemed to always be out of his control. It was like there was a giant hole in his mouth where things just fell out. Even more mysterious was the fact that none of it was ever good and especially when he was with Olivia everything seemed to come out more wrong and hurtful than he ever intended or wanted...

Only this time he had absolutely no idea what was wrong with complaining about federally funded jail junk food.

"You wanna talk about it?" he suggested, his voice gentler and serious at the same time.

She had still yet to comment on his words. "There's nothing to talk about, Elliot,"Olivia brushed him off but her pondering face was left in place.

"I read your report...it didn't look like they treated us any different once they separated us,"Elliot continued, treading on carefully and letting his gut guide him.

"They didn't, did they?"he asked, looking up at her but unable to meet her gaze, it was looking somewhere else; something particularly interesting seemed to be happening in the empty corner behind him.

A horrible thought suddenly popped into his mind. "Olivia, did they?"he repeated, suddenly afraid. As a police officer he knew first hand of the bad things that could "accidentally" happen to detainees.

There were bad apples everywhere. In the police force and for sure in the Marshal service as well. Olivia could defend herself almost as well as anyone else in the squad, the best if she had a gun in hand but none of that meant squat if you were faced with large unforgiving federal agents with your hands handcuffed behind your back.

Even Elliot could admit to having felt powerless at the moment when they had been forced down on the ground, arms pulled around their backs and hand restraints slapped onto their wrists.

Olivia looked up in confusion and her voice implied worry, about him. "Elliot, what are you talking about?" she asked, "Did what?"

Elliot breathed out a sigh of relief and then smiled slightly at her. Even Olivia couldn't fake innocence like that.

"I thought.."he began in explanation but suddenly his fears seemed silly and sounding ridiculous was something he generally tried avoided.

Liv's glare however told him he better talk about his feelings or she certainly wouldn't.

"I thought..they, someone at the Marshal's or FBI might have..."Elliot struggled to string the phonemes together, "Well you know what can happen behind closed doors. Maybe they had assaulted or uhh... done... something."he finished lamely.

"Oh Elliot, I'm fine,"Olivia said, waving of his concerns like he had hoped she would,"As you said, you saw the report."she added and now it was Elliot's eyes shooting up to look at her, horrified.

At the same second Olivia had finished her sentence a waiter approached them and Olivia seemed to have forgotten all about her lost appetite as she happily ordered away, totally ignorant of his reaction to her last words.

Elliot had completely lost any lust for food as his stomach had begun doing impressive acrobatic tricks and he could only stare at his partner as she continued chatting with the waiter.

She had answered him but it wasn't the kind of denial that he'd needed he realized now. It was still a reply meant to deflect. Another avoidance.

Elliot's worry returned in tenfold.

End notes: As said in the summary, this is a post ep and it's not gonna go AU. In case you were worried a bit by the latest paragraphs.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_30 minutes later_

They had eaten with their pre-dinner roles reversed. Olivia ate like she hadn't seen food in a very long while (which of course very well could be true...) while Elliot at the same time was forcing himself to chew and swallow every bite.

Olivia was doing all of the talking, seemingly non concerned about Elliot's sudden apathy in the conversation. This told Elliot even more as Olivia rarely let him stay silent and brooding unless she sensed he needed that time to think. Which was the opposite of what he should be sending in non-verbal signals right now.

Why hadn't he questioned her before, as soon as they were released? He should have noticed something was wrong. That there was something off about her and he should have pushed her until she gave in. Why hadn't he?

Of course if he looked at it with perspective he'd know why. They had been under investigation and faced with the possibility of loosing their freedom, their jobs and so much more.

Olivia had focused on clearing themselves just as he had but as he looked back on the past few hours, he now realized she had mostly followed him.

Sure it had been with an uncommon ferociousness and she had certainly, as always, contributed with her own insight to the case but she had let him lead their quest for the truth which was unusual these days.

Something had happened during their involuntary stay with the feds to change that. He just wasn't sure what and he was too scared to come right out and ask.

He had to eventually, he knew this but the how was difficult to overcome.

Olivia obviously thought he'd forgotten about his reason for taking her out or maybe she imagined she was fulfilling his need for her to talk by talking about the nothing and anything that was coming out of her mouth right now.

Maybe that could work to his advantage though, he suddenly thought. "Olivia,"he said, interrupting her monologue, "What happened?"

"What happened where?" Olivia gave him a quizzing look and Elliot couldn't be too sure if it was sincere or not.

"You know what I mean."

A sigh escaped her, "And you know what happened, Elliot," Olivia answered defensively and in his mind indirectly confirming something had indeed happened; something he did not know about.

"No it's something or you wouldn't be like this," He drew a hand over his messy hair and looked at his partner with a mixed frustrated and compassionate look. "Just tell me, please. Whatever it is. "

Another sigh. Olivia thought she was silly with her thoughts and had no desire to share them but it looked like her partner just wouldn't give up otherwise.

Several seconds passed and then she let a long breathe out, her mind up. She couldn't let her partner worry just because she was afraid of becoming embarrassed.

"You remember the training courses at the Academy, were we practiced handcuffing our classmates?"

"Uhh.. yeah, sure," Elliot was taken aback by for him a very out of context question. Patience to wait for a point to come to light in its own pace had never been his strong suit, "But what has that got to do with anything?"he couldn't help but question.

"Well was that your first time?"

The to him weird questions continued. "What?" Elliot tried to come up with something more intelligent to say but he didn't know what to think right now. He was worried about his partner. Her peculiar behavior right now this second mixed with her earlier broodiness, it was something he hadn't seen before. And surely he had seen most of her moods after 5 years together?

"Being on the other side."

"Oh okay, you mean, first time I had been...uh handcuffed you mean?"he squirmed in his seat as he said it.

Elliot looked distinctly uncomfortable and if it had been any other time, Olivia would have definitely pondered on why that was but this had to her surprise turned out to be a big deal for her.

"Yeah, if you wanna put it that way,"she answered him.

"Well eh..I guess when I was a young teenager, I could have been a bit unruly against some local cops in Queens and they uhh, might have taken me in. I was never charged though. Dad..."Elliot stopped and then shrugged, "Well you know."

She didn't. But she could imagine. She smiled slightly; she could imagine a lot when it came to Elliot Stabler. "A bit?"Olivia raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

Another shrug and a matching smile were her only answer.

"So what about it?"Elliot asked instead.

"I've never been..."a heavy intake of air and a nervous outlet stalled Olivia's next words, "On that other side you know? Not like this. Not for real. And I just didn't think it would affect me like this...or at all." She smiled vainly and then shrugged.

"I know it's silly, but the feeling just lingers in me. That I'm not in control control."

"Guess what happened after didn't help either,"she added.

Elliot breathed out slowly, hoping his relief didn't show. He had thought it was something more serious than this and secretly he was glad that it was just his partner's messed up emotions taking her for a ride.

"We all felt that today, Olivia. We were this close to loose everything." This he could deal with or at least he knew it was temporary and not something for him to fret about.

He let out another breathe, feeling very conscious about his unnecessary worry for his partner. When was the last time he'd questioned Kathy this way when he saw her down?

"I don't know what I would have done. Or do. If I lost this job." Olivia stated solemnly, echoing his own feeling on the matter. Although he knew, he would always have his family to fall back at. He didn't know much about her friends except that she had them but he was fairly he was her best.

"You could come babysit the twins for us if you wanted?"Elliot offered trying to lighten the mood. Discussing dark matters was fine when called for but now the need seemed to be dissipating and hence his own ability to handle it.

A sad smile appeared on his partner's face, "Yeah,"she only said.

"You didn't though. You still got it. And me,"he reassured with a self-impressed smile.

A snort escaped Olivia, "Yeah, could have done without you,"she joked.

"Hey!" a leftover breadcrumb was propelled over the table at her along with the verbal protest.

"Don't forget how useful I can be,"

"I won't,"Olivia answered smiling.

A/N So I had definitely wanted to do something more with this chapter. You know, like add a point to the story, a plot, an end and all those nice parts. Unfortunately the idea I had for this story ended up not working and then I stood lost and feeling very hateful of the story. So it'll just be what I said at the beginning, an exercise. If you have an idea for a better more fulfilling ending or so, give me a shout. Otherwise I still hope you got some enjoyment from this. See me please in my next story. I promise to do better.


End file.
